In Sheffield, not my fault, mother and sister live here, only joking not such a bad place, mother lives in a posh part of town and has really done a sort of port out starboard home, all started in the Gorbals Glasgow and has ended up in the Eccleshall Road area in Sheffield, a British success story, facilitated and funded, by the fantastic, flourishing, welfare state, and I thought it had died a death, bloody daft me, as I continue to chase the pennies, back to ‘Blighty’, rest on your laurels, benefits and financial support, don’t gloat or say, “smug little bastard, look at you now, that is your fate, supported by the state”, it is not that bad, ask my dad, they buried him! Still couldn’t come back, the weather would be difficult to hack and I wouldn’t write that book because, well, look there is all this digital tv, I would lie in my bed all day and my two roomed flat would be a disgusting mess, no need to get dressed, throw the sweetie papers on the floor and just lock the door and does it really matter if I get fatter and fatter, alright the room and me would be disgustingy smelly but I would have my huge telly, so I could see past the belly, and there would always be a film or football or even something obscene on my great big screen. press the red button and then the blue, you can even split the screen in two and when you are bored you can record, go to sleep and wait for a beep, beep, beep, telly back on, no fuss, another ‘Coronation Street’ omnibus and from time to time, I would crawl out of bed, shake my head, now I might look like a hog but, now and again, I do need the bog and when I am up I would make some tea and sit down at my pc because when you chat, they don’t know you are fat and you can live an obscene virtual dream, where people don’t know that you hobble, indeed, sometimes wobble ……. Anyway, I hope you get the gist, I am going to give “Blighty” a miss, it is really not for me, maybe if I lose a leg and have to beg or if I cause such a din that they don’t let me in to just about every country on the planet. Other than that I won’t be coming back, at least not for a while anyway!